Our Sixth Child...

Continuing where I left off after my post on getting Baby K, letting him go, and not understanding what God wanted us to do next...we were confused. We WANTED to continue foster parenting, but it was like God was telling us, "STOP...PARK," in every possible way.

I decided God didn't need my permission to operate in my life, and maybe this was just a season of being a family and doing "nothing" in terms of foster parenting and/or adoption. Then we found out The Stunt Man's mommy was pregnant and due in Jan or Feb, 2010. Ok! So this makes sense! God was putting a damper on our passion so we wouldn't fill up our house and have no room for The Stunt Man's baby brother or sister!

But then his mommy miscarried the baby, either spontaneously or deliberately. I will be honest that I grieved hard over this baby's loss. You can tell me I didn't miscarry, but my heart did. I died inside and I truly experienced loss I couldn't even verbalize to anyone. It debilitated me.

For about a month, I had this weird sense that one of our previous foster kids was going to come back to us. I know when I get these "senses" that they are not to be ignored, but it didn't make sense to me. There was not a single one of them I would want to take away from their birth family. The only one I could think would possibly ever need foster care again was Baby J. I hoped his parents would rehabilitate, but I think we all had some doubts.

In October of last year, I got the email from The Engineer's grandparents telling us they wanted us to adopt him. OK! That's IT! He's the one that was coming "home" to us! OK! Makes perfect sense!
He came to us in April and our adoption was final in July, giving us five amazing children. The adoption was private, becuase he wasn't in foster care at the time of the adoption, so our agency was not involved. They kept asking us what our intentions were...would we become active again? Please, oh please? By this time, we had been "inactive" for a year, meaning we are licensed by not accepting placements. Isn't foster parenting what God called us to do???? Why can't we just move forward and do what God equipped us to do!?!?!?!

But in our hearts we still sensed this giant "YIELD" sign was flashing, saying, "Don't do anything...let ME work." Ok God, Ok.

Just about the time we finally adjusted to the new dymnamics of the family that adopting a slightly older child can bring, we got the call in September. Baby J was back in care. Could we take him as a "fictive kin" or relative placement. This is when the "CAUTION" sign started to blink. We know families that have been in this situation and end up with no rights to make decisions for the child they parent, with cases that can continue on for years with no justice or finality for the child. So we said we would reactivate our license as fast as we could.

Here we are two months later, and for whatever reason, the paperwork for reactivation was delayed and so forth and so on. And all to the glory of God, who makes no mistakes, so I have no irritations or worries about what is going to happen.

Preschooler J is doing well. He has been diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy, but they took away his diagnosis of autism for the time being. He lives with a foster family 5 minutes from us who are friends of ours. Isn't God good???? We have been able to see him, and she sends us updates and pictures. We are in contact with all of his advocates (CASA, GAL, CPS) and making plans to adopt him. Since he is just now attaching to his foster family, we have all decided it would be best to wait until the first of the year to talk about moving him to our home. CPS does plan for us to adopt him, but there will be a trial in April and the judge or jury COULD send him home and ignore the petition of his advocates. There are always relatives who want to be considered, and rightfully so.

So right now, we are waiting...patiently. I've learned not to fixate on the what ifs and just let God work. I've learned not to make plans, because anything can change on a dime in foster care.

But my sense that I am his mommy never left....and it grows.

He is such a tender, mild boy and simply adorable. He was my first son through foster care, and I gave him my all. I've held NOTHING back from any of my children through foster care or birth or adoption. So do I think about him every day? Yes. When I get pictures via email, do I drop everything and admire him and cry tears of longing and joy that he is thriving finally? Yes. Do I know what is REALLY going to happen? No. But God does.

God is the master orchestrator. I told someone recently that if Baby J had been adoptable 2 years ago, we would have probably never adopted our other 3 children, simply because we planned to adopt 1 boy and at that time, we thought that was all God had designed for us.

So am I angry that he went home? No. Cuz knows what He is doing.

Am I angry about what he went through? Vehemently. I have suffered over what he was exposed to, but this is HIS story, not mine. And God is his Father, not me.

I'm just an earthly guardian over ALL of the 9 children I have been Mommy to.

HE is FATHER! I just have temporary guardianship.

It is wonderfully reassuring that God knows everything...the past, present, and future. He has a dynamic plan and makes no mistakes. Everything J has been through will be a part of his testimony. The important thing now is that he is safe, secure, getting services he needs, and thriving.

And hopefully, in a couple of months, he will be coming home for good.

And if he never comes home to us? As far as my heart is concerned, I will always be his mommy...at least one of them. And I don't mind sharing my children with other mommies...at all. The more, the merrier! If we are not afforded the privilege of raising him, I know God is in full control, and know without doubt that it will be what is best for J.

Lord, your will, not ours, be done. Selah.