Mommy Guilt, by Honest Mom

Is it just me...

Or do other mommies lie awake in bed with Mommy guilt?

Sometimes its because we watched "Mammoths" (Ice Age 3) instead of being productive because my brain was just so fried or I just needed quiet.

Sometimes its because I raised my voice when I could have (should have) taken a deep breath, used my indoor voice, and THEN responded.

Sometimes its because I stomped up the stairs as I carried a thrashing, tantrum throwing 3 year old up to their bedroom, gritting my teeth and saying,  "NO baby fits!"

Sometimes its just because I want to go away for a weekend by myself, and I feel bad for wanting something for myself.  And didn't I just do that in January?

Sometimes its because I groan when everyone is throwing their mattresses onto the floor in their room at 6:15 and I desperately, desperately, at this stage in my life, which I could choose to sleep until 8am every day....when my attitude SHOULD be, "yes!  We are all awake!  Now we can do stuff together!"

Sometimes I just get reactive to the stress and then wonder why my three little ones are "pushing boundaries" so much, when come to find out, its really their reaction to ME.

Sometimes its because all the while I am teaching them about self-control, I am talking to them with a serious expression, which probably comes across to them as "mad mommy face."  And should trying to flush things down the potty that don't go into the potty REALLY cause me to feel mad?  A perfect Mommy would just say, "oh, sugar pie!  My darling, you made a discovery didn't you?  Lets see what else we can put into the potty?"  No, I get mad and put them in the timeout area because its ME who has snaked the upstairs potty over 10 times in the past week!  But that's selfish, right?

Sometimes its just frustration that on the first day The Diva and The Stuntman moved to the 3s class at church (They are 3 1/2 now), I picked them up and found their teacher (Who I think hung the MOON!) in tears.  And The Engineer's 4s teacher on HIS first day in the 4s class told me he was completely unmanageable and super aggressive.  And I'm so embarrassed and worried that I don't even take him back the next week.

Sometimes, I wish I didn't have to explain the history of the wheel to anyone who is a new caregiver...Diva aspirates on liquid and pudding consistencies, so no open cups; Diva is lactose intolerant.  Yes, Stuntman eats foreign objects. I'm really sorry about that. Yes, he eats a lot of snack, but don't let him. Cut him off and don't let him take other's food.  He doesn't feel full. Stuntman overstuffs his mouth and chokes.  Stuntman can't handle too much motion, noise, or light.  Sorry, but he is "afraid" of many things.  Stuntman probably won't cooperate with class activities because he is too active. Sorry.  If it is too much of a disruption, call me out of church.  Engineer will try to take things apart. He will act out if he isn't getting enough positive attention.  Sorry bout that.

Sometimes, I just have to admit that things aren't cupcakes and cartwheels.  I struggle some days. And what makes it worse, is that it more often than not is a reflection of what is going on in MY OWN HEAD!  My concerns about money, or worry about my hubby who is overworked and super stressed.  My preoccupation with lists in my head instead of being able to be totally focused on the present moment.

Sometimes I wonder if I am making a difference at all.

But I then I know God doesn't make mistakes, and for SOME REASON, He thinks I am the one woman who can do this.

And sometimes, I just have to let myself off the hook and say, "You know what Heather?  You aren't a failure as a mom! The three littles have these challenges because of the decisions of someone ELSE to use drugs during their pregnancies!  And sometimes its okay to just be mad about how that impacts them."

Sometimes I have to tell myself that some kids are just compliant, easy going, and calm....and that's not these three.  And that's okay. And I am not doing them a favor by comparing how well THEY do in a class of other 3/4 year olds who don't have the prenatal, life, or medical history that these three have.

Sometimes I just have to cop out and say, "You know what Heather?  Their neuro reports say their brains are damaged. And look how WELL they are doing?  And what your babies have overcome through HIM!?!?! And how HAPPY they are to have you and eachother and such a wonderful Daddy?"

I'm human.  I have Mommy Guilt. I wonder if I am a blessing or curse to my kids.  And then I realize it is a decision on my part to be positive and focused...or not...and that impacts how THEY interpret and meander through life's challenges....by how I get through life's daily challenges.

Sometimes I just have to look back at the prayer journals where I saw God calling me to a special ministry and how He promised to provide ME with strength and to equip me with talents equal to the task.  And then I remember, its all HIS...the kids, me, the good, the bad, and the funny.

And sometimes, just sometimes, I get over my menstrual cycle and I wonder why in the world I even had these thoughts to begin with.  How ridiculous!!?!?!?!

Signed,

Honest Mom