Confessions on Toxic Relationships

The other day I thought about my blog.  The blog. THIS blog.

This silly blog where I posted news about my life for all to see.  I posted pictures.  I updated about my kiddos development and our homeschool.  I opened up a lot about my inner battles, my spiritual growth, and my life as a foster/adoptive mom.  And I blogged about that awful piercing grief that followed letting my foster babies go.

And so, I thought, "maybe I should blog again.". 

But i was immediately gripped with anxiety, because as much as I wanted to enjoy blogging in the past, a toxic relationship became worse the more I blogged, and it ate at me.  It consumed me.

Basically there was a conflict in my personal life that I was not dealing with.  I was not setting boundaries, and that unhealthy family relationship overflowed onto this blog. The person I probably disliked most was my biggest blog fan.   I would post from my heart and D R E A D getting feedback from her later...you know the comments that almost sound nice but are so condescending and nail you right in your insecurities.  And the one-up-man ship!!!  Every interest I had I felt got adulterated in this one-sided competition to be better than me.  It sucked the joy out of things I loved, like photography, and blogging.  I couldn't run, I  couldn't  hide.  I couldn't avoid.  I couldn't not answer the phone or read those emails that socked me in the gut...in the nicest, most covert, "read between the lines" way.  It was hard.  My hubby was constantly dealing with my frustrations, hurt feelings, and anger.  He likened it to being stalked by a friend you don't really want to be your friend, the friend that you can't shake.  I was miserable, and so was my husband.  EVERY SINGLE ROAD TRIP OR DINNER DATE WE HAD FOR SEVERAL YEARS focused on this conflict and how trapped I felt not being able to say what I felt.


But I wasn't innocent. I was actually more at fault than her.


See, the anger seething in me was because I was a pushover and I knew it.  I didn't just accept it and not let it get to me. Oh no, I simmered and boiled.  I didn't say, "please stop ridiculing me to your friends," or, "can you just not call me or read my blog anymore.  I don't answer because I want to be left alone."  Because I am not a mean person, that's why!  And I honestly feared that vindictive nature.  And face it, its family.  So stupidly,  I dealt with it passive aggressively by posting about my hurt on here and hoping they would "get it." I responded in probably more tackiness than was ever dealt my way.  I let it keep me up at night, steal my attention from my kids and rob me of JOY. I totally let the dread of getting a 4 hour phone call eat at me til I shook physically.  I knew it was coming...and how.  I felt like I was acting like I was in Jr High, but didn't know how to stop feeling so TACKY about how the person made me feel.


Until...I read the book.  I read a book on manipulative people.  I read it in 2 hours.  I called my husband and read him an entire chapter.  And honestly I was relieved.  I cried. I realized it wasn't that I wasn't a good enough friend, or I hadn't tried hard enough.  Some people just need so much reassurance it is impossible to satiate them.  And fear not being validated or in control or accepted to the point that they push people in the opposite direction.  And sometimes, we look to our spouses or a parent or a friend (or 15 friends in her case) to fix the gaping wide emotional needs that only a Divine Savior can heal.

Soooooo. I did it.  I wrote the email and said please don't be my friend anymore.   The family heard about my email.  People I don't know (and some I did know) were sent copies of my email and were asked to read parts of my blog.  And it really, really hurt to be ridiculed. But I stood my ground.  And there WAS some immediate relief.  But then...


I had nothing to focus my thoughts on.  I was empty.  I had come to eat and drink this conflict until I sustained myself on it.  And I was lost without the conflct, honestly.


And that's when the magnitude of the whole thing hit me.  The person who said she hated conflict, me, must have rather enjoyed it if it filled her life so much.  Its the only thing I can gather!  I didn't know how to function without it occupying my thoughts night and day. I didn't even know how to write a blog anymore!  In my heart, I was having a Real Housewives of the Blog drama thing that I both hated, and apparently enjoyed enough to endure.


So here we are a couple of years later.  The person is not even in my life any more both due to my stand and a divorce, and I am trying to view my blog in a fresh new way...not typing with a sense of dread, but with a clear conscience and clean heart.


So what is the point of this anyway???  


I think it is even easier in the blog world to develop toxic relationships than in reality, and it is partly what made me so miserable.  In real life we might have those manipulative relationships where we are just too scared to say, "you know what? I love you more when you leave me alone.  Please stop calling."  And if we don't, the fault is our own.  In likelihood, the other person is probably oblivious to how they impact us.  And if people say you are acting "un Christian" by setting boundaries, that is definitely evidence of pure manipulation, so run faster.  Because even an unhealthy relationship can become an IDOL we look to fill our hearts and minds instead of God.


The reason the BLOG world can be so toxic is because we crave acceptance.  We put ourselves out there, and we LIE LIE LIE if we say we don't care if people like it or not.  We want to be accepted.  We want followers.  We want comments.  We want those little bloggy awards.  It is JUST LIKE JUNIOR HIGH...we are wearing our parachute pants and Levis jacket on the first day of school hoping to be accepted.  And we can kid ourselves into thinking we don't feel a flutter of "yee haw" when we get a response saying, "Awesome photos!"  We are human.  But...


there ARE blog bullies out there.  They can take what you write and cause widespread conflict or persecution for it.  A well known blog I followed for several years and LOVED shut down because of it.  Its a harsh world out there.  And not everybunny is nice.  Sometimes we pay a price for brutal honestly.

But what we can't do, and shouldn't do, is give in.

So hopefully, I will blog more frequently, and eventually that old feeling of dread will stop churning my stomach when I write.  Hopefully I will hold myself accountable to write from my heart in honestly without fear of any response.

Bones