Fear

Have you ever thought about how our decisions are driven by fear? I'm not talking about the awe and reverence for God. Or fright, as in thinking you hear someone at your back door when your husband is out of town for the night. I'm talking about fear...borrowed trouble, apprehension, an expectation that the worst may happen.

Every night I lay awake thinking about the fear that drives me, my husband, my kids, people I love. Stay with me. This is a profound concept (not my own, of course).

A couple of weeks ago, Michael and I attended an all-day training session called "Beyond Consequences," which is based on 2 books from Heather T Forbes. The gist is that children who have come out of foster care and orphanages are often dominated by fears: abandonment, hunger, being sexualized, being hit for expressing a need, rejection. This is because they come from an environment of stress, abuse, instability, fury, manipulation, filth, isolation, poor nutrition and health care, etc. Even children who go straight from one mommy's womb to a capable, nurturing mommy's arms STILL are impacted by the care they received while in the womb. Was the mother stressed out? Was she smoking? Was she in fear for her life? Was she drinking or doing drugs? Does she have health problems? These absolutely impact these children forever.

Heather says NEGATIVE BEHAVIOR IS A FORM OF COMMUNICATION. NEGATIVE BEHAVIOR IS A RESPONSE TO STRESS.


Just think about that in regards to yourself, your loved ones, your children. If your teenage daughter is rolling her eyes at you as you tell her all the chores she neglected to do last weekend, that is a response to stress...the fear of getting in trouble, the stress of seeing mom with her hands on her hips with a frowny face, pointing her finger with a slightly elevated volume. What does mom do to the rolling eyes response? She sees it as disrespect, so she elevates more, thinking she is not getting her message across, and it escalates until the door slams and no one in the house is remotely happy. Day ruined.

Heather says that Traditional parenting techniques that involve consequences, controlling directives, and punishment are fear-based and fear-driven.

Think about that. She's not saying to spoil the kid and resist ever making them uncomfortable. Children who were formed in a healthy womb environment and have had stability from day one can handle much more stress that kids who didn't. My son, for example, had in-womb trauma because of drug exposure, his mom being incarcerated, and her serious health problems. He was in the hospital much of his first 3 months, had open heart surgery and was constantly seeing doctors until he was 18 months old. He can tolerate VERY little stress because he was born stressed out and went right into medical trauma.


So I keep thinking about this in regards to everything going on in life. My son is a very strong-willed child. His therapists say he should be the kid on the cover of the book THE DEFIANT CHILD. LOL He is very oppositional. And we thought we had to come on stronger in order to get him to listen. What happened? He became more oppositional. He tantrumed all day. So we went to Heather's seminar, I reread parts of her 2 books. And I realized how little tolerance for stress Gabe has. My tactic as a principal at a Christian school back in the day was to lower my voice as close to a man's as possible, bend down and get in the face of the errant child, speak slowly and emphatically, and tell them what they WILL and WILL NOT do. But that is fear. Fear that they will not listen to me if I don't come on strong from the get go. And my fear-driven behavior is TRYING to inspire fear in the child to motivate them to listen. Wrong, wrong wrong.

I think back to how my "traditional" parenting techniques hampered my teen's development when they were tots. I was emphatic, I laid down the law, I was unbending. Why? I was afraid they would not listen if I showed weakness, I was afraid they would be known as unruly children if they were not taught to be obedient.



I've seen parents who parent one child harshly because the kid is so strong-willed, and have NO clue their harshness is breeding the very rebellion they are trying to extinguish. Then they have another child or two who are not strong-willed who they are gentle with, because they have no fear that he/she will do what daddy says. I find myself slipping into this pattern with Gabe vs. Ella, as well. How fair is it to the strong-willed child?



I saw someone post on facebook this statement, "How is it my kids know when I am PMSing so they act out?" Well, they are reacting in fear to OUR crankiness. We may not be able to help our impatience and grumpiness. I see it in myself. I see MY kids reacting to my not feeling well in fear and having more tantrums, more annoying behaviors. Its all a response that starts with ME, even though I am oblivious to it.



I am trying to change how I make decisions, how my attitude comes across, how I think about things in general. At the end of every day when I have that quiet moment when my son is sleeping on my head, snoring sounds reverberating off my forehead, I think about what I did that day that was a fear-based, fear-driven behavior. I scolded my teen for not feeding the dog last night for fear that she was going ot make it a pattern. I came on strong so she was defensive with me the rest of the day. Make sense? I started that. And I am the grown up. And I should do better. So she didn't feed the dog. She can do some dishes. I don't need to get irritated. She knows the consequence.



Right now my son has decided he is afraid at night and needs to sleep WITH me in MY bed and be touching ME at all times throughout the night. I prayed for this intimacy with him, but I was getting irritated when he would just NOT go back to his bed. We've read in all the books that kids need to sleep in their own rooms so they won't be parent-dependent, spoiled, have sleep problems, etc. My girls wanted to sleep with me when they were kids and I resisted, and it was a constant battle. What was I afraid of? That they would want to sleep with me forever and I'd never get a good nights sleep. How stupid is that. So if Gabe needs to sleep on my face because he is afraid, how good would it be if I keep putting him back in bed? It would make him more afraid. He would escalate. He would turn purple after screaming for half an hour. We would be concerned when his breathing becomes labored because of his heart condition.



I have 2 teenagers that I couldn't make sleep in their own beds when they were little, and they made pallets on my floor every night. I was so afraid it would mar them psychologically somehow if I went against "THE PARENTING BOOKS." This is before co-sleeping became hip and cool. Guess what? They needed that at that time and I rejected their need. Sleeping with someone is a sign of trust. And they grew out of that need as they became more independent, more mature. So now when my hubby is out of town, I ask them to sleep in my room and they say they like their own bed. See? All that time I was resisting them sleeping with me for fear they would never learn to sleep alone. And now I can't get them to sleep with me.

PERFECT LOVE CASTS OUT ALL FEAR.

Lord, Help me to demonstrate behavior that is based in trust, not fear. Help me not to see validation from people because I fear I am not liked or respected. Help me not to go to PEOPLE to see reassurance or encouragement or petting because I fear being alone or rejected. Help me not to get frustrated and to stop seeing my kids' negative behavior as something personal, some lesson they need to learn. Help me to see it for what it is...a reaction to stress, a fear of their own. Help me to calm their fears, whatever they might be. Help me, Lord. I need you so badly to help me live a life that reflects YOUR perfect and unconditional love.