Bummed =0(

I haven't written on the blog in a while, simply for lack of time. People ask me for pictures and updates and I like to read those posts, too. I try to do those but I am so bad about not taking the time to get pictures off the camera.

I also like to read the blog posts where people's hearts are laid bare on the altar, imperfect thoughts and vices and disappointment. Not because I like to hear complaining. But I like people who are always on a quest to improve themselves because I identify with that. Who I am right now is not who I REALLY want to be. I want to be someone GOD can be intimate with, which means my sin can't be there. He turns his back on sin. That's why I constantly confess it. I do it alot on here. I'm striving for holiness, to be the mother I should be, to be the wife my husband deserves, to just be "GOOD."

The other day I wrote a post about fear and said something about knowing people who have a tendency to do something and giving my observations about that. I wasn't thinking of one person in particular. I was thinking of every family that has a strong-willed child. Our tendency is often to come down harder on that child because we think they need a short leash. We think they don't "get it" when we try to show them appropriate behavior. Has no one done this? Or is it just me?

See, I internalize. I internalize everything people say about me directly and indirectly. Not because I hate myself, but because I think I can always improve. I want to be a person others can be proud of. That others would be disappointed in me KILLS me.

So if I see a dad being impatient with his kid in the store, I don't think, "What an awful dad." I think, "I do that. I've done that. I see now what it looks like to the kid...now they like they aren't important. I bet I make my kids feel that way when I am stressed out and late, too, like the rush is more important than the child. Oh, God. Help me do better." I thank God that I've seen it in such an objective fashion so I can know how I make MY husband, kids, loved ones feel.

What I DON'T do is sit on my high horse and say, "I'm so glad I am much better than that."

So yes, I see imperfections. In me, in others. I also see the wonderful qualities that I admire in others and so desperately wish that I had them, too.

We were discussing race in Sunday school when Michael and I were newly married and it was in the South, and people were openly saying they don't like people of other races. And others were saying that they don't see "black" or "white" when they see people. But that's a lie. My daughter being black is who she is. It is her identity. I can't NOT see her beautiful ebony skin tone. I can't deny that she would be raised in a different culture if she were with her birth family. What would be wrong is if I felt like she was somehow LESS than me because of her ethnicity. THAT is racism.

We're all different. There are many things we can learn from one another, both by being a great role model and also making huge mistakes. I don't know about you, but I'd rather learn from YOUR mistakes without having to make them myself and learn the hard way. I am extremely observant. I can't help it. Its a gift and a curse.

So when I see your strength, I wish I had it to. I think about it. I research that virture. I pray about it. And when I see your weakness, I don't think, "LORD, I'm so glad THEY SUCK and I am SO COOL." I think, "Ok, so that is what I have been doing." or "Ok, so that is how I must make people feel when I do that. I've been so blind." In essence, I am learning from people. I don't hold it against them. I learn from them.

And so I AM bummed that my comment the other day was taken out of context. I should be a better communicator. But who can I be mad at by myself? I spoke my heart. I said I had observed a tendency in other parents that I notice in MYSELF, and I see now through the seminar I attended that I have been errant. I think about how I stir up the very rebellion in my strong-willed, sensory disabled son that I am working so hard to extinguish. I am trying to improve MYSELF for my family's sake; no one else.

So I am super bummed today. I've laid in bed all morning wallowing in my self-pity, wishing I could just people someone who others can be proud of. But I think my intentions were harmless, even if it came out wrong. I was talking about my own transgressions and how I had learned from the mistakes of others as well as the training I received. I'm not sititng and thinking "Those people are idiots." I am thinking, "Oh, God. I've been doing that." I'm not blind. I see it. But I am not putting blame on others as I sit on my throne. I am putting blame on myself. As I am sitting reading my Beyond Consequences book at night, she gives an example and I say, "Wait. I've seen taht somewhere before." And I think objectively about how messages came across to the child when I was not so emotionally involved that I was blinded to how I come across when I do that. And then I know...that time that I was more concerned about getting a point across to my son and "teaching him a lesson," I only communicated frustration, not love and discipleship. I was pushing away, not leading toward.

Apparently I do that on my blog, too. I push away instead of leading toward, even though my intention is to help others see what I've had to learn the hard way so they don't have to.

Sigh. So I am going to roll out of bed now. And I am going to make this a great day anyway. =0)