The Mind of Christ

I've been thinking the past couple of days about the tongue vs. the mind. I've heard all my life that the tongue is the hardest thing to tame. But I don't think it is. I think its the mind. I can bite my tongue, hold it still, and remain mute. My mind never stops working. My tongue doesn't say anything that my mind didn't say first. How do I conquer it?

I think it gets easier every day to control my mouth, to choose to speak in kindness, to keep from saying things that are not constructive. I find myself saying less, being quiet the past few days because I am so hormonal and I feel my crankiness. I don't want to say anything in irritability (though I slipped a few times). But the mind is not as easy to muzzle.

I admit I've always wanted people to like me. In logic, I understand it is not possible. We're all different. Its the people I admire and those I am closest to that I sometimes worry about. I would say its less about wanting them to LIKE me or approve of me, and more of not wanting to disappoint or fail them. I've realized throughout my life this is a problem...I don't think it is wrong to want to be nice and pleasant to others, to want to please them if possible. But it isn't right to FOCUS on it.

Years ago I used to hang out with this awesome guy (a friend of the family) every day. He was the kind of person who made me feel lucky to hang out with. He was very popular and always funny. He could imitate people in this uncanny way and was always full of one liners. He made fun of people and I laughed. I contributed. We'd go on and on and on. We didn't mean HARM but we certainly wouldn't have gone on like that in front of those people. How wrong is that? Then one night I heard him and a whole room of our friends making fun and doing impressions of people. And they said, "Do Heather! Do Heather!" Oh, had they seen this before? So I peeked in and saw him doing a darn good impression of me, big boobies and all, hiding my face behind my long hair, big huge 80s glasses, slumping shoulders, and saying things I would say. Oh how he made fun of my long face. I was hurt, so hurt. They were in an uproar. It was hilarious to them. I was devastated.

I've thought about this a lot in the past year. We had no contract, no mutual agreement. If he made fun of others with me, wouldn't he do it with them about me? If I talk about people with Esther, shouldn't Esther expect me to talk about her to my other friends? The past year this has just really gotten to me. The situation sort of repeated, and I was pretty humiliated. But it was good for me in many ways.

First of all, I realized that my words are my own. I should have learned my lesson the first time, shouldn't I? It was 20 years ago. I take full ownership of every time I've said something about someone that I wouldn't want them to know about. I'm guilty of saying things I shouldn't, being judgmental toward people whose very situation I was SO SURE I would never find myself in, I am in right this very minute. Its called the curse of judgment; some people call it Karma. And I deserve it. I deserve for every person to find out what ugly or ignorant thing I've said about them that I never said TO them throughout my entire life. Its only fitting. I can't blame anyone for what I've said or even what I've sat and listened to. IT'S MY FAULT! I am wrong if I gossip, solve people's problems behind their backs, ridicule them, etc. Hey, some people call it a prayer request when they gossip. I just don't want to be doing it anymore. So my humiliation was my own fault....I deserved to feel like that.

My goal is this: If you ever accuse me of gossiping, I wouldn't want anyone to be able to come forward and provide evidence against me. I wouldn't want anyone to be able say, "Yeah, Heather and I 'vented' to eachother and said stuff about others we'd never say to their face." Every person I know I bet has this evidence against me. I hope people notice a change in me; I AM trying. It is my focus every single day to guard my mouth.

The second lesson is this: Even if I can curb my tongue, how do I curb my thought patterns? I'm talking about worrying about people I've disappointed or who don't like me, who gossip about me. And then fixating on it. I can't let pleasing people be the focus of my life. If I do that, and I am focusing on whether Alice is mad about me or talking about me, then I have put on the Mind of Alice instead of the mind of Christ. That is WRONG WRONG WRONG. And my goodness, this has been the hardest habit to kick. It still plagues me, even today I found my mind focused on "Did I upset so-and-so somehow." It really got me down, and that is why I am blogging about it....it is such a bad habit...letting people be my focus (trying not to disappoint and worrying all the time that I have). Does anyone have suggestions?

This is why I blogged the other day about negativity in blog comments people leave for others. One of the most transparent and inspiring bloggers I know gets some of the most hateful comments. The commenters have literally made fun of her special needs children on her very own blog. I couldn't withstand that. I think about that today, and I wonder if the best thing to do is to just delete once we realize someone is not being constructive, they are just trying to stir up drama. I'm not talking about honest questions trying to better understand why we said what we said or do what we do. Those are helpful. If I didn't get those questions I'd never realize how errantly I protrayed my views or decisions. I'm talking about flaming, being hurtful for the sake of being hurtful, or being deliberately devisive. We often feel like we can hide behind anonymity. All it does is stir up more drama, blog-to-blog-to-blog. We need to start doing things different.

So back to me and my stupid "Mind of Alice" that just won't quit, especially when I am PMSing hardcore. =0) My mind has to be set on Him...not the rising and falling of others' opinions of me.

Is there anything that you are trying to focus on? A habit you are trying to quench? Thought patterns you are trying to prohibit? How do we go about doing it and letting it take?

Some days I really just hate Eve. I hate her for my cramps, PMS, and my sinful flesh in general. And yet, I'd have sinned far sooner than she. And I pick up the apple of the flesh every day and don't even realize it because it comes so naturally. Lord, help me to be more like YOU.