"Sister Wives" and Selflessness

A while back, before we turned off the cable and reinstalled our antenna, I caught a couple of episodes of "Sister Wives" and it is *STILL* on my mind weeks later.

As I'm driving in my car, I'm lying in bed wide awake at 4:30 every single morning, or I'm on the bike at the gym,  I think about this issue of "Sister Wives."  I am not interested in discussing the issue of polygamy, and at times, I was just super grossed out by the thought of knowing my hubby is having sex with a woman other than me every night....and then coming back to me.  Disgust, really.  Call me STD/VD phobic but BLUGH!

What I keep coming back to is how the women consider it an honor to share what's rightfully theirs with others.  I'm sure they would really RATHER have their husband to themselves, but the fact that they MUST share causes them such intense personal growth, they feel blessed.  Honestly, I admire them for looking at how THEY can change themselves rather than trying to change the situation.  How difficult would it be for me to maintain my control?  And even call my competition my FRIENDS and my SISTERS and the fellow MOTHERS of my born children!  How is this possible???

It really is an extreme example, but it is what we all must do to maintain a healthy marriage and a healthy family:

DIE TO SELF


Every so often, my husband and I evaluate our marriage.  We grade it. We discuss what we are doing right and what we need to do better.  We discuss how to better manage parenting, work stress, or life's impact on our relationship.  And we do this every month or two.

What we find, I think, is that when we are both the most selfless, we have the most enjoyment and deepest intimacy.  Its when I think, "How can I make my husband's day better or life easier?"  And he thinks, "How can I show my wife that even though I am 4 hours away, I am thinking of her, that she is #1 in my life?"

Then I contrast that with failing or dysfunctional relationships.  When my toddlers fight, its selfishness.  Its all based on selfishness.

My teenage girls share a room, and when they argue, it is a display of selfishness:  I'm too selfish to put my makeup so now your sweater has mascara on it. Or I'm too selfish to turn my music down so you have to go sleep on the couch.  Or I am too selfish to use words of grace rather than jumping to conclusions with a hostile tone.

Selfishness in relationships is when you focus on your own "needs" and what are NOT getting, like I'm not getting  enough help around the house, so naturally I am too tired to have sex....for 18 months and counting.  Or she criticizes me everytime I do any house work, so I just won't do any at all.

Selfishness says that I will meet your needs...as soon as you meet mine.

Selfishness is natural.  Its our nature to look after ourselves, to fixate on our own viewpoint.  Ladies, its our nature to smack talk to our friends about our hubby over silly things like pee on the toilet seat, or criticize him when we don't think enough effort is being made in romance, housework, or responsibility.  Then we wonder why he white lies about everything.  Are we trustworthy?  Are we capable of hearing a harsh truth without overreacting or vindicating our anger?

Think about selflessness, on the other hand.  I've been married almost 17 years, and there are some things my husband just doesn't think about.  I can harp on every single let down or irritating habit.  But does it build intimacy or tear it down?  He can certainly point out a trillion of my faults. I can barely think of any he mentions...why?  He loves me more than he loves a table free of clutter.  It really comes down to that.

So I think about myself in this house with my husband and his 2 other wives. Could I pass that test of selflessness?  Could I resist being passive aggressive?  Could I focus on the good in his wives and their children instead of me not getting my way?

In a way, we have been living someone similarly over the past year, and it has been strengthening for all of us.  My inlaws lost their jobs a year ago and I asked them move across the county and live with us.  Then I told my husband what I did like 2 days later.  That means there are grandparents living on the bottom floor with 3 elderly cats and a tiny dog.  Second floor houses hubby and  I with our 5 children. That's 7 of us with 1 bathroom upstairs.

Do you want me to tell you how we have made this work, and even more, made it the most enjoyable year of my life?

Selflessness.  Sure we get irritated. I'm in no way doubtful that my loud nose-blowing and sneezing irks everyone in the house, just grandma's chihuahua gets a little too barky at times.  Guess what?  When we feel irritated, that's when we have to ask ourselves...do I love quiet more than I love my family?  My father-in-law is SO long suffering with doing all the grocery shopping, cooking, and kitchen cleaning.  I'm positive it is angering when teens make muffins at midnight and leave a mess for the morning.  I'm SURE it is physically excruciatingly painful for my mom-in-law to climb the stairs to help with the laundry.  Everything they do is an absolute act of selflessness.

Are we perfect? Not by a mile.  Are we all learning to think beyond ourselves, to focus on the bigger picture, and learn how to extend our best and work on our worst?  Yes.  Something I have found for me personally, is how embarrassed I get even FEELING irritated.  Its a sign of weakness; it really is!

I think the 9 of us are very blessed.  We get the best of each other and try our darndest to overlook the worst.  How we make it work is CONSTANT open communication.  Almost nightly we go over what worked today and what didn't.  We all try our hardest to speak with grace.  And what's more, I think all of us have become more positive thinkers.

What I hope will result from this is that we will be able to live all together til death to us part.  I really think that perhaps it is the best thing we have ever done for our children. Not only do they get a better cook (YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) than their mother (teeheehee), but there is always someone to listen, cheer, or instill wisdom.  Areas where I am so tangibly weak (like taking time to play with my teens hair and makeup), my mom-in-law is stellar.   My teens not only get the perspective of the Gen X'ers, but also the Boomers in the house.  Since we have made this life change, I am almost tempted to say I recommend it for everyone.

As for me, I will continue to work on my selfishness...you know, those times when I sit on the seat at 2am and realize I just sat down in urine...grit my teeth and inhale strongly.  And then I have to remind myself...I love that person more than I love a clean potty.  I can't always do it before I make a jerk of myself, but with time, I'm doing better.