Quit Faking It

Courtney had a post today entitled Quit Faking It. Its been on my mind all day since then. I had a running list going in my mind of confessions...gosh, I wish I had taken notes on all those confessions while my mind was lucid. Oh well. =0)

First off, let me say these are not Heather bashings. I am just telling you like it is. I've always tried to be real and portray my heart here (boy has it gotten me in trouble a time or twelve), but there are other things I think you should know about me. Sometimes as bloggin Mamas we write what we are SOOOOO excited about (an Easter sweater for Ella), and in the reader's mind, it was cute, it was perfect, it was accomplished in due time. But in reality, you saw a picture of the BACK of the sweater...like a full month ago, and it is still on the needles just like that. Why? Life happens. I read blogs where I often wonder where in the WORLD they get the time and energy to sew and knit and whittle toys for their kids out of tree remnants. Yeah, sometimes I feel like I don't measure up. And that is why I love blogs where it is kept real.

NOT COMPLAINING BLOGS.

NOT FLAMING BLOGS either.

Just real ones. So here are my confessions. Ready. Set. Go!

I have been a very inadequate homeschool teacher this year.

My teens often do not get up until 10am.

Although I prefer the Charlotte Mason method, this year my kids are doing "box school" which means their computer software is teaching them and grading them, and I am like the teacher's aid. Why? Because I can't devote the time I should if I am going to be a homeschool teacher. Why/ Because of my little one's special needs.

I am 99% sure I am sending Hannah to high school for 9-12 grades. She wants to do it and I realize now it is best for her. Tara says she likes things they way they are and wants to stay at home. We'll see.

I have no friends. I don't go out, I don't have someone I call on the phone. I'm very socially awkward. I am almost deaf, according to my hearing test. I can't follow conversations, and I look like a complete dork. People think I am stuck-up, but I really just am socially avoidant because of my disability.

I am not a phone talker. I loathe the phone. Even Michael and I rarely use the phone to talk. We use email and texts or talk in person. It makes me a nervous wreck to talk on the phone because I can't see the person's lips. It is something I rely on and without that safety blanket, I feel very vulnerable and nervous and miserable. I apologize because of this.

I don't answer my phone. Yes, I don't. I don't have time to engage in conversation. Yes, I get messages that say, "So are you avoiding me?" or "HEATHER! ANSWER YOUR DUMB PHONE!" That is my husband, btw, when it is an emergency. LOL I just can't take my eyes of Gabe for a second. I love him with all my heart, and I am saying this with a smile because I absolutely adore him...but he is hog stinking wild. Its his nature and I am perfectly fine with the temperament and adventurous spirit God gave him. I try every day to balance between teaching him to listen and not stifling that adventurous spirit. But he is a full-time job. He sleeps with me so he is under 24/hour a day watch. Don't worry, I enjoy my time with him. With a parental guide, he does just fine, but give him 10 seconds alone and you will find 470 qtips in your toilet, your teenagers gum in the cat's tail, him standing on the play kitchen, 3 peas and corn kernal stuck in one nostril, etc. Good grief. I laugh at night at his antics. LOL

I hoard papers. I am afraid to throw anything away that I might need later. Last night I just tore through files and ripped stuff out and had Michael burn it all in my fire place. Its going to take a couple of nights because it is SO MUCH. And you will not believe HOW FREEING it felt to let it go, to face a phobia that the IRS will need a bankstatement from 1995 and I won't have it. It was very good for me.

I am a great project starter...poor project finisher. I am not creative by nature. I have to follow a pattern, but it inspires me nonetheless. But I have to faciliate the project within 24 hours or the project will sit. And then I will start another project. They are cheap projects...a ball of yarn for $2.50. But yes, Ella's easter sweater is still on the needles because I haven't been able to figure out how to finish the neck. =0(

and that is the end of this real post.

Yes, unproofed, unedited, unfinished in fact!

Thank you, wrong button. You got me again! But I will RISE!