What's Love Got To Do With It?

My teenagers and I were having a conversation (AGAIN) about boys and girls and dating in early adolescence the other day. We were discussing friendships, too. We started discussing what "love is blind" means.

Love is NOT blind. Infatuation is blind. Being in love with love causes blindness, too. But mature love is not blind.

This is what love means to me. Love is a decision. The decision to love does bring about wonderful, magical feelings from time to time. Love is not something to "fall into" or "fall out of." Often in that getting-to-know-you phase of relationships, we are electrified with the awesomeness of that new boy or girl or friend. Its kind of like the honeymoon phase of attending a new church. But eventually, the more time you spend with someone the more you realize they have their faults, and they see yours. You get to year 3 of marriage and suddenly what used to be so charming is now so irritating or frustrating. Where are the feelings of love, THEN, when you are as irritated by your husband as much as your were your brother(s) growing up with leaving their underwear on the floor? This is why I always tell my girls, if they will learn to show love through the pain of differences and irritations in their relationship with their sister, they will have a real advantage going into marriage.

Frankly, sometimes those romantic feelings aren't there anymore if you are hyperfocused on the irritating things. My husband could have looked at me a year ago and thought, "Hmm. My wife weighs 50 # more than she did when we got married. She's cranky with menopause. She breaths very heavy and loud. She gets sick so easily. That psoriasis thing is super grossing me out, too."

But you know what he does? He focuses on my GOOD qualities. And CHOOSES TO OVERLOOK those imperfections. Yeah, he knows they are there. He's just not focused on what is irritating him about me. When it is worth mentioning, he tells me what is bothering him, or he just tries to overlook it. We don't do any of that subliminal hinting crap. I don't get upset and then make him chase me and then say, "Oh nothing," and then pout. That's not love. That's drama. I make a choice when I am mad or irritated at my loved one: I decide to mention it so they have an opportunity to do something different if they want to, OR I decide to bite my tongue and focus on something else when I realize it is a case of my irritability more than anything they are doing wrong, OR I decide to just get up and move away if I can't tune it out. I've "gotten up and moved away" in big ways this year.

And beyond that, Michael challenges me to improve myself. Sometimes he says, "That was kinda tacky on your part, huh?" Sometimes he says, "I think you should do hair, makeup and nails more with your teenagers. They really want you to do that more often." And I get upset for a while, but only because of my pride. but I know he is right. And sometimes in his wisdom he says, "We need to talk about Problem G in your life. It wastes your energy. You are constantly spinning your wheels and I can see that you are becoming a shell of a person. A change is necessary and I am willing to do whatever it takes to make it happen for you."

That is what love is. Love is a decision. "Love" is not just something to say because it is expected. I have made a promise to myself to say ONLY what is true and what I mean with everything in me. I've had people in my past who told me they loved me and I responded with "Thank you," because I didn't know them well enough to mean it. It isn't something I throw around, because love to me is not something to be cheapened as some token expression. Now, when I am fiercely angry with my brother and I tell him I love him, am I lying? Absolutely not! Being angry doesn't mean love is invalidated. And sometimes to preserve the sanctity of love, we have to actually separate ourselves by a few degrees with someone we love (I'm not talking about spouses).

I saw a little girl in a store the other week saying to her daddy, "If you love me you'll buy me this for Christmas." Her daddy said, "Hmmm. I'm not sure if I love you THAT much. Maybe a kiss would make me love you more." This was all playful, of course.

Love should never be taxed. "If you loved me then you would...." One thing I've learned this year is that only I can define my love and how I express it. Now that goes two ways. With my family I have endeavored to express my love more blaringly, more intune with THEIR love languages and needs and interests. I am defining love by deliberately showing it in ways that are meaningful to THEM. I've also tried to stop thinking, "I would show my husband more love if he showed me love first by doing the dishes." That's 2 year old behavior. I've tried to be more giving, to be more tolerant, to be more long-suffering and attentive. Its a work in progress. The point is, no one is manipulating me or asking for more of me than I can give. I am giving willingly from the depths of my heart.

The other way I mean that I have defined my love is by not losing myself in relationships. I've been known to say "That's okay" when it really wasn't okay....I mean really, really not okay....because I thought doing whatever was asked of me was the price of love in that situation. And I've realized that is just as dishonest as if I had said I loved someone when I didn't mean it. So I am saying, "You know, I'd rather not." or "I appreciate it but that makes me uncomfortable," or just "No thanks". If someone needs me to do something to make THEM feel loved, and it makes me feel bad about myself, overwhelmed, or enslaved, it is not okay. Saying otherwise is a lie. I'm not talking about a little give and take like your sister wants you to let her borrow $5 or your husband wants a little lovin when you just want to go to sleep. I'm saying stick with your convictions. Be who you are.

I'm trying to be genuine. Love is a sacrifice, but it is meaningless unless it is willing and deliberate. I don't want how I show love to be about obligation. I want it to be genuine, heartfelt, and untainted. I want to be a person of my word. I want people to see love-in-action. Maybe it won't be to other's exact preference, but I want others to know they are on my mind, they are precious to me, they matter. Because they do.

Sigh.

So why is all this junk bouncing around my head like a pin ball machine? New Moon. Twilight. Young vampires in love. I have two teenage girls who have read the Stephanie Meyers series probabably 5 times apiece. I didn't want them to read them, but I was overuled. =0) And frankly, to find a "clean" book in the teen section is getting harder and harder for my girls. I appreciate the abstinence message and undertone of Christian principles in her books. But I have growing concerns about the message young ladies are getting about love and romance from the books and so my teens and I have had some discussions about them because I wanted to be sure they understand that some of the stuff about "Bella" is not worthy of modeling themselves after.

To mention a few:

--lying to parents, sneaking a round is NEVER okay in any circumstance. I konw people would say all kids do that. I say why set that as a standard as if it is to be expected? Our house rule is if you have to sneak you are breaking a rule. Just ask. We're not ogres. Some things are negotiable, like reading these books. That's negotiable. Sneaking out the window to go slay werewolves with the sexy vampire is not negotiable. No no!

--in real life, the guy your parents warned you about, the guy you have to sneak around with, the guy reputed as "the bad boy" is really just that. In real life, he doesn't just seem bad but is misunderstood, beccause he is really, really good. AS IF! In real life, 95% of the chicks who married the guy their parents warned them about end up saying, "I wish I'd listened to my parents."

I'm not against the books, I think they have good and bad qualities. I think the movies are so melodramatic my eyes almost cross permanently, if I am totally honest. But I'm okay with my daughters reading/watching the vampire love story...but we talk about it to make sure they understand love is not "good conquers evil if you like the guy a whole, whole lot." =0)