Parenting: Correlation and Causation

Last night I was reading the book Freakonomics, of all things. And there is a chapter about parenting. The basic idea of the book is taking things we THINK make perfect sense, breaking them down into stats and numbers (boy, I love numbers) and giving us a clearer perspective. Like the chapter on how crack dealers use a very good business model, but it is kind of like a Mary Kay business. You only make the big bucks if you are on top, and very few make it.

ANYWAY, the chapter on parenting was dealing with what REALLY affects good test scores for kids. In statistics there is correlation and causation. (STICK WITH ME! THERE IS MEAT HERE...I PROMISE). Here is an article that explains why Correlation does not imply causation. We can safely say that Smoking CAUSES cancer. But we CANNOT say sleeping with your shoes on CAUSES headaches. There may be a positive correlation, meaning the more often you sleep with your shoes on, the more often you wake up with a headache...both are increasing so that is a positive correlation. BUT maybe there is a 3rd overlooked factor...like you are DRUNK so you pass out with your SHOES ON and wake up with a HEADACHE. In that case, we can only say falling asleep with your shoes on is correlated to waking up with a headache. Or say the study about car color and accidents...people who drive white cars are more likely to be in an accident than any other color (correlation) but we cannot say that driving a white car CAUSES accidents. Make sense? Ok, the statistics lesson is over.

Back to parenting. What makes this book so interesting is realizing what DOES impact things and what DOES NOT. Maybe a guy wears a Barbie bandaid and hits 3 homeruns for the Angels. So he thinks there is a positive correlation. SO next came he wears 3 Barbie bandaids. He hits 5 homeruns. It could be he is overlooking the fact that the 200 pushups twice a day are helping his batting average. But he thinks it is the Barbie bandaid.

As parents in America, we often think what we DO for our kids means more than anything in regards to their success. Maybe we think exposing them to the arts will help them grow in intellect. Maybe we think using XYZ parenting/discipline method will cause them to be better behaved. Apparently not.

I'll bottom line it: Academic success with children has LESS to do with what we DO with them, and more to do with who we ARE. It isn't the number of books we read everyday (what we do), it matters more that we are readers ourselves, therefore we have a lot of books in the house, the TV is off, and mom sits every night under the lamp with a book in her hand. There is a positive correlation between a healthy book supply and higher test scores, but there is NOT one with m making the kid read often. The book supply likely is indicative that the parent is well-educated and values learning in their own life, loves academic challenge. Strange, isn't it?

Academic success has less to do with what school the kids attend, and more about how much parents educate themselves as a lifestyle. Is education part of the casual home lifestyle, or it is more of an overbearing PUSHING the kid to do this, this, and this to get ahead. It matters little whether a kid attends head start. But it matters greatly if a child has a low birth weight. Why? Head start teacher are very underpaid and uneducated. =0) A child with a low birth weight likely was exposed to prenatal stress, drugs, or other teratogens, and will be raised in an environment by that same stressed out or substance abusing parent.

It matters LESS whether a kid is spanked or not spanked as part of discipline. It won't help or hurt the academic scores, but being adopted will. Why? The adopted child likely has learning disabilities due to environmental factors or prenatal drug/alcohol abuse. It affects them lifelong.

So the bottom line is, it seems that what affects the child less what the parents do (or say they do on their blog). It matters greatly who they and the child are. And I was awake half the night thinking about this.

There is such a disconnect in our parenting these days. We think if 1-2-3 Magic didn't work, maybe Love and Logic will. And if that doesn't work, then what about Beyond Consequences. We're always looking for a method to help our kids behave, be smarter, be nicer, myself included. But what matters more is who WE ARE as people, more than what WE DO as parents. How many times have you heard a mom say she doesn't know where the kid gets his hateful attitude from, and she has criticized people at least 10 times in 45 minutes. Or how about the overbearing controlling personality mom thinking the anger and resentment of the child is just them being rebellious, when really it is a DIRECT result of how the mother acts toward him or her. Are we really THAT blind?

It matters LESS that I have developed some method for telling my kids to be nice and trying to hold them to it; it matters MORE that they see me being nice. It matters LESS that I write on my blog that I don't talk about people; it matters more that my kids don't hear me gossip....ever. It matters less how I harp about a healthy diet; it matters MORE what attitude I have toward food...live to eat or eat to live? Sometimes we harp so much it does more harm to kids about food or whatever else than if we just led by example without saying a single word.

It matters LESS that I tell my kids it isn't nice to pick on people or point out their worst qualities; it matters MORE that they don't see or hear me criticize their dad, my mother-in-law, the lady at the next table, the neighbor, the mailman. ANYONE can be critical. ANYONE can sport a nasty, vindictive attitude. ANYONE can chat with their friends about other people half the day and claim they never say a harsh word about anyone. But it takes a strong person to keep their thoughts to themselves, to overlook opportunities to say, "My neighbor just really pissed me off..." to their friends. We call it venting. Its really just being mean. It matters not that we do it behind their backs, on facebook chat. What matters is that we are being hateful. Blessings and curses flow out of our mouths. I've learned that the hard way, trust me.

I'm taking a hard look at who I am as a person. If I want my kids to have a great marriage when they are older, I should model a great marriage with my husband. That means I have to give up my right to what I want and stop being self-serving. How else can a 4 year old learn the S*** word if they have never heard mom or dad say it? They model what we do; they may obey what we SAY, but they internalize who we are as individuals.

A great saying is: Be who you want your children to be.