In Total Quiet

Its New Year's Eve. I'm at my mom's house in Roswell, New Mexico. I've grown my nails out some, due to actually PAINTING them, which I have not done in forever. Therefore it is sort of hard to type. And to get my contacts out of the contact case. Why does that matter? Why is it blog worthy?

I don't know. Its just that I am such a different person. Yesterday as we were driving down the Guadalupe mountains, Hannah was in a panic, and I realized I was not. Which is odd. Because I have been somewhere on the nervous-to-total-panic spectrum everytime I've come down that stretch of road, so steep you have to go 25-30 mph. Yesterday, I was totally at ease. Tara's mood ring proved it: blue. I was totally relaxed and at ease.

So I asked Michael, "Am I too laid back? Am I too lazy now?" He told me that he likes where I am at, where our family is at right now. Spending time together instead of me rushing around the house "doing." I've always been a doer. That was what my mother did, and that was the only way I knew how to show my family my love and devotion. What they really wanted was my time, my presence, my touch. I like where we are at, too.

Its interesting how blinded we can be to ourselves. I've taken a lot of psych courses, read tons of psychoanalytical books, and gauged myself on continuums simply for fun. I'd like to think I know myself.. I know that I am extremely introverted, that my personal "intelligence" is intrapersonal, meaning I am intuitive and analytical and prone to ministry/helpful vocations. I know that my weakness is my inability to stand up for myself, to say "no" when necessary, to make decisions that impact other people (like where to eat). But this year I have learned so much more about myself.

This year I learned that I behaved in a passive aggressive manner. I have smiled at people and assured them we were "good," all the while being so frustrated about the dynamics when I was alone, I personally suffered a lot of stress. That is just not helpful or productive.

This year I learned the difference between being a martyr and a servant. I didn't realize I had picked up some martyrdom syndrome until I was reading a book about emotionally draining people, and I saw myself in the passive aggressive and martyrdom chapters. I didn't like it. I made myself sick. How did I not see this in myself before? So now I understand that the best way to be servanthearted is to serve with willingness, in secret, with joy (not with irritation), and in love, as a gift, not a gift exchange. I never could have imagined how this change coud please my immediate family.

This year I learned that drama can be terribly addictive. I found myself watching The Real Housewives of...well, everywhere. And I was so enthralled in the drama I would go reading the ladies' blogs just to read more drama. Whoa, Hoss. How was this beneficial for me? I decided that it was feeding a negative part in me that did not need feeding, sort of like if you feed your lust, it craves more and more and more. I don't like drama in my personal life, so why did I enjoy watching it play out on tv? A few days later Michael and I discussed cancelling the DirectTV and I can tell you it has been a very positive change for us. Shows we did enjoy like Survivor or Project Runway, we can hulu. I still get to watch my criminal minds and Law and Order as I sit and knit late at night. But I am trying to keep a watch over myself. And sure enough, we have been staying at my mom's this week and she has Direct TV, mostly so she can see weather, news, and religious channels. So we've been watching Cake Boss and Imploders and Hoarders, etc. And you know what? I think 70% of the draw to reality tv is the drama. My mom even said, "Is there any reality tv show where people are not fighting and cussing and putting each other down?" Well, think about it. And if that is what I am feeding my soul, then what do I start doing? Cutting down my husband or someone else under my breath. Complaining.

This year I learned that gossip is a sickness. I've been trying to live for several months in practice of not talking about anyone who hurt my feelings or anyone who has an obvious problem. Good grief! My hubby and I drove 20 hours (round trip) to NM at Thanksgiving and we realized it was the FIRST TIME in probably 5 years I didn't talk for 3 hours about what hurt someone caused me, or how humiliated or condescended I felt. I just decided I am not going to give negativity a foothold in my life any more. If I have a personal problem with my mom or my neighbor or whoever, I am simply going to talk to them about it, fix it, and move on. I'm allergic to drama and negativity. I'm not badgering my husband about it. We only talk about what interpersonal problems are actionable...such as the girl my daughter who hangs out with with a lot of emotional problems. We talk about how to help, not just sit dogging how bad she is. If we can't do something or don't plan to, then we don't talk about it. And since he is my only close friend besides my mom, well, don't you know how positive this change has been to our family and marriage? Its like the climate is totally different. We had this discussion with our girls just yesterday. A friend texting them about a boyfriend she is making out. They were dicussing it and I said, "Unless you plan to do something about it and need advice, this is not an appropriate conversation. Its just gossip." I hate to be a drain, but do you know how freeing this life change is? Negativity, complaining, and gossip are like plagues. They are 100x more contagious than the H1N1 flu, and it has such a cumulative affect. I am feeling overwhelmed just typing about it. Done.

I learned this year that I am okay with myself, and that being aware of my imperfections gives me awareness of how to improve. It doesn't mean I am depressed and want to die. If I say I am not the mother I need to be, don't tell me I am being to hard on myself. Encourage me in how to be the mother I CAN be. I'm not saying it to gather sympathy or because I am down in the dumps. I am well acquainted with my imperfections. Rarely does someone point out to me something awful about myself that I have not already contemplated and loathed 400x. But what I am saying is I loathe the THING about me (behavior, habit) not ME. And that is okay. That helps me grow.

I learned this year that I am perceived as condescending. Which baffled me because I am fairly certain I am a big huge DORK! I pretty well knew I didn't consider myself superior, nor did I want anyone to feel INFERIOR to me. I have definitely felt more condescended in the past 5 or so years than ever in my adulthood, but that gives me something to work on...being assured of who I am and being comfortable with it. Which is not to say that I ignored what was said. I didn't. I actually wear it and continually ask my husband, "read this...am I condescending?" and "Did you hear me talking to the cashier? She seemed upset with me. Was I condescending in any way?" I have taken it to heart, because even if the thought "I am better than someone" doesn't cross my mind, I can still convey that through word choice (using big words, being too precise) or mannerisms or eye contact. So I am trying. I am trying to convey love of an unconditional God in my conversations, even in my thank you and God bless you. I am very conscious of this. I am very much working on it, and I will keep trying.

I learned this year that God has a way of growing us in unexpected ways, and often the most profound and lifechanging ways are the most difficult. Last New Year's I wrote out my goals and tactics and strategies for meeting my goals. And in many of those areas, I did make improvements, but not because God approved my plan. He had other plans. I have had to grow in painful ways. But what did I expect? When I pray, I don't ask GOd to change others, I ask Him to change ME! And in order to do that, it often does impact me in hurtful ways, sometimes at the expense of relationships or reputation. I asked God to change me, to humble me, to cause me to depend on him. A few years ago I prayed that same thing and I lived through a short spurt of unemployment and homelessness with my husband and kids. But this year's lessons have been very deep and personal. I have felt the hurt inside me and had to grieve over losses, face my behaviors I had hidden from myself that I so loathe, and its been no carnival. I realized in all truth and honesty, that the very behaviors I just detest, I was doing myself. How about that? Ouch. Something about being ridiculed amongst others really does a number on your self-esteem, but I have had to realize that my reputation is nothing. I'm not my own. I'm bought with a price. I'm His. HIS reputation is perfect. And that mine is imperfect, that people don't like me or make fun of me or think I'm a total hypocrite is okay, because I am all of those things. I'm not someone to emulate. I'm not holy or divine. I should be offended when HIS name is cursed, not not mine. If I think people misunderstand me and keep a record of my words to use against me, then have I not done that to others? Have I had any mistreatment I can compare to a crown of thorns, a jab in the side, nails in the feet and hands, public humiliation? I've been spit on and beaten up, but never by a mob. I think back to that humilation at the park in 6th grade with a Hispanic gang, and wonder how Jesus forsook human tendency to defend ourselves, and just took it. He took it for ME and for YOU. I took it but I was humiliated and my mom moved across town so it wouldn't happen again..next time with knives. It affected me for so long. And that is what I am trying not to do as an adult. To learn from my mistakes, to look at myself objectively as others see me, to not disregard what others say to/about me but take a hard look at what is true so I can learn from it. And to forgive. Bitterness is a cancer...it grows in us often without us even knowing it, and by the time we realize we have it, its almost too late. Negativity is like MRSA. All it takes is exposure to negativity and it moves from person to person. Instead of eating flesh, it eats at our conscience and soul. And I have learned (I think) this year that life is just way to precious for either to eat me alive.

I've learned this year that plans are sometimes necessary, like when you have to set a date for a birthday party or family get together. I've always been a planner. I just don't have that desire any more. I have no real goals other than some financial ones. I wake up today only concerned for today, often just taking my day in segments...."Make the most of these 4 hours." I've learned that as much as I have imagined what can go right or wrong in the future, or next week or tomorrow, its unncessary to make so many contingency plans. I'm very okay with "unknown" tomorrows and surprises and even devastating tragedies, should they come. My life is not my own.. I don't want anyone of my loved ones or friends to suffer, but I know life is unpredictable. And I am trying very hard to take things in stride, to be accepting without dwelling on negative things, to think, "Ok, this blizzard sucks, but oh what a memory this will be." I've come to realize living in faith in my Father, knowing that though bad things come, I can trust Him to carry me through it, well, its just the best kind of life there is.

I've learned this year how important communication and honesty with my husband is. I dare not ever say anything to anyone about my husband or our relationship that I would not say to him. Why would I degrade him by talking to a friend or my mother about him? Why disrespect him? We've focused a lot this year on making marriage priority, on being totally honest with eachother, on not taking offense even when truth is hurtful, and to try to be understanding of each other's quirks. One of the things I respect most about my husband is that he doesn't harp about the little things that irritate him about me; but he is so good to nudge me when I am not doing what I should or have ugly behavior or am just plain doing wrong. He is my spiritual shepherd. It didn't come about by accident. I have had to let go of the reins, let go of control, and say, "lead me and the kids." I've had to be quiet when I wanted to rant and rave and retaliate. And its hard. But he loves me. He gives gentle words of encouragement and gentle chides when I need it. And though I may recoil, I know it is for my good and purely out of love. I know those few-and-far-between times he does gently put me in my place, he isn't doing so out of selfishness or criticism...I know he is doing it as if to say, "If you could see yourself right now, Heather, you'd be really embarrassed." And man, that is the kind f friend I have prayed for my whole life. I was looking for an accountability partner in a female friend my whole adulthood! And here he was the whole time. God is good.

So this year I am not setting goals or resolutions, other than I would like to pay off my van this year (2 1/2 years early). Why try to "re-solve" what I tried to "resolve" last year and the year before that? I will always need to try to take better care of my health and my family, to read the Word, to pray, to be more giving and compassionate, and to be more authentic. Why try to set goals for a whole year? I'm concentrating on the next 3-4 hours, and I'll deal with the next 3-4 after that, and so on. And hopefully, the Lord will take inadequacy and blaring imperfection, and will make some sort of masterpiece out of it for His glory.